6-25-04

I don't care if you read this.  I don't care if anyone reads this.  I don't care what you get out of it, if anything.  I just need to say this for the sake of my own sanity.

I miss you.  I miss you so much.  I miss you more than I have ever missed anything.  I know that I'm so much better off without you, but that doesn't change what I am feeling at this very moment.  I thought that I had moved on.  I thought I was better.  I thought that I didn't care.  I care.  I'm not better.  I haven't moved on.  I know you don't give a damn about me anymore, but I miss you so much.

There, I said it.

6-10-04

Wow, it's been a while.  My deepest apologies.  It surprises me that this is still up and running.

I talked to Allen last night.  You all remember him right?  He used to have a page on here before he quit talking to me.  Yeah, I found out some things that I really needed to know for the sake of my own sanity.  I think I'm finally getting my stuff back too.  Yay fun.

Ok, I'm bored.  I'll try to come back later.

4-30-04

I am so fucking bored, and I don't get to see Foo tonight.  *cries*

I hung out with Clint and his friend David yesterday.  That was cool.  Clint's a cool guy.  I was kinda still coming down off of that adorol from the day before, so I thought I was having a panic attack a couple of times.  Adorol does weird stuff to me when I'm coming down.

I was looking at my e-mail inbox today, and I realized that I have received an e-mail from my ex-boyfriend, who screwed me over, three times this month.  I really do not wish to receive e-mails from him, but my want to not talk to him is greater.  I would block him, but I think it's funny and sad how he hasn't taken me out of his address book, or off of his buddy list (that has quite a funny story).  The second e-mail I got from him was actually an e-mail from the place that administers my friend quiz.  It was telling me that he took the quiz, and did not good on it.  I can understand him missing pretty much all of the questions since I haven't talked to him in months, except for this one question.  It was asking what my left tit's name was, and he got it wrong.  I don't understand that.  They were "his" for almost four months.  I don't get it.  And I don't get why I'm still on his fucking buddy list, cause that's the only way he would have had access to the link for the quiz.  Maybe he's just doing this to try to piss me off, which is fucking childish, but something you would expect from someone who has no future and chooses to get drunk constantly.  Something you would expect from someone who was a failure as a child and teenager, and who is an impending failure as an adult.  Maybe I'm a little bitter and hostile.  Maybe.

But anyway.  Yeah, later.

4-22-04

Well, I hope everyone had a lovely 4:20.  I know I did.  4:19?  Ehh, not so great.  4:21?  Ehh, not so great.  But 4:20?  Lovely.

I saw The Distillers ...  live ... on the 11th.  It was orgasmic.  They are amazing live.

I just realized it's been a damn long time since I last updated, not that anyone cares, much less notices, but it's all good.  Wow, the 18th of March.  That's the day me and Bill started going out.  So much for that.  Oh well.  A lot has happened since then.  Jea and Adam are no longer.  I changed my name to Gypsy Rose (you can still call me Whitney, but if I remember, I will correct you).    The whole Bill thing, whatever that was.  I still haven't started, but it's okay, the ref said it's cool.  I saw The Distillers, like I said.  Shit, I don't remember anymore.

*dies in a desolate room where no one could possibly find her*

3-18-04

It's a glorious day.  This is the best day I've had in a while.  I'm happy.

3-14-04

I'm late, I'm pissed, I'm tired, I want to cry.

3-6-04 ... again

I WANT TO BE A SUICIDE GIRL!!!

3-6-04

Ok, since my quite lengthy post from the other day got slaughtered by a telelphone call, I am going to try to write it again here, or atleast recapture the immense length of it.

I've been feeling a bit nostalgic lately.  I miss freshman year.  I miss being friends with Allen.  I sometimes wonder if things would be better had we not gotten into a relationship.  I wouldn't know that I was actually capable of loving another human being, and not in a "you're my new best friend" way.  I wouldn't know that, yes, I can survive through adversity.  That's something I didn't know freshman year.  I was one suicidal little bitch then, and I had absolutely no reason to be.  I miss Mynde sometimes.  Things always seemed good when we were friends.  I miss being so naive and innocent.  My innocence is forever gone.  I may still be naive, however.  I'm not really sure, I've never really thought about it until now.  I miss getting to whine and complain about still being a virgin.  That was fun.  Sure I still whine and complain, but it's not fun.  It just seems like last school yeare never even happened, like it was all a dream.  It's starting to seem like the past 4 or 5  months of my life never even happened, that it was all a dream, and my alarm clock is going to wake me up at 6 and I wouldn't have experienced everything, amazing and so terribly bad, that I experienced, and then I would go to school and still be a freshman.  Allen and Mynde would still be un-together, Jessica would still be pining after Rickey.  And then there would be me.  To the left of the picture.  Nothing really going on in my life, though I would tell you about how much it fucking sucked.  Then I would tell you about my band, Hawking Mary Kay, and how we were going to be so fucking famous.  But still, none of that seems real anymore.

I'm sorry if I depressed you or bored you.

Sara, Todd, Jefferey and I did not make it into the Variety Show.  I feel no loss.  We only really practiced once, and if I do say so myself it was pretty damn good.  I didn't play with Jonathan's, but if I had, I would be playing this year.  Oh well.  I guess I'll just have to survive.

Bye bye now.

3-4-04

Oh my fucking god.  I just had this amazing entry for this all typed up, and my fucking internet disconnected,  And I was having a good day.  Now I'm fucking pissed.  >.<  I'm not even going to bother now.  Bye.

"Well everyone makes mistakes/ You let me down/ For the last time/ Truth prevails/ And there's nothing you can hide/ And I wash my hands of you/ I'm getting on with my life/"  -  The Pharmacist  Hot Rod Circuit

2-24-04

There is a lot going on in my head today.  I'm not sure exactly how to put it into words though.  I am still pissed off.  I listened to Bikini Kill for a while last night.  That was nice.  I've been listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs a lot.  I love them.  Karen O's voice is so beautiful, and the lyrics are amazing.  I've been listening to Trent a lot too.  "Terrible Lie" is a good one.

I'm playing in the school's variety show this spring.  I am playing two songs.  One with Jonathan Gower, one with Jeff, Sara, and Todd.  I will drum both times, or at least try.  Seeing as how I suck holy ass, it may prove difficult.  I guess we shall see.

Well, I am tired.  I woke up this morning five minutes after I left, if that makes any sense at all.  It should damn it.  I make sense.  *laughs hysterically*  Ahem, anyhoo.  I shall speak to you all later, those of you that speak to me.

Cold light/ Hot night/ Be my heater/ Be my lover/ And we could do it to each other/                -yeahyeahyeahs

2-22-04

So I was depressed as fuck for about two weeks.  Was on a steady diet of Robbie Smith and A Perfect Circle for two weeks.  Took out frustration and pain anyway that was harmful to me.  Now I am pissed off.  Steady diet of Nirvana and Bikini Kill (and yes, Dicknail).  Take out frustration on the happy people around me.  I am pathetic.  I trust people too easily.  I let myself get hurt too easily.  Maybe I just wanted to get hurt.  I don't think so, but maybe it's a subconcious thing.  I definitely trust too easily.  I want to believe that all people are good and will do me no harm if I do nothing to harm them.  Recent events want to make me believe otherwise.  Fuck it.

in the back off the side far away is a place where I hide where I
stay tried to say tried to ask I needed to all alone by myself where were you?
how could I ever think it's funny how everything that
swore it wouldn't change is different now just like you
would always say we'll make it through then my head fell apart and where were you?
how could I ever think it's funny how everything you swore would
never change is different now like you said you and me make it
through didn't quite fell apart where the fuck were you?